Despite not being a serious believer, I genuinely believe that it is our guilt that drags us down, not our sins. It would seem easy not to dwell on something and just let it go. But the hard part is that guilt is recognized by our subconscious mind, where our consciousness seldom notices its existence until we hit rock bottom in our darkest pits. "Ahh, I should have, I could have, I would have" kinds of thoughts will finally reveal themselves to give us a hot welcome in there.
When I left my hometown five years ago, I told everyone, including myself, that I was chasing a dream I longed for - an advanced career leading to a stable life that could satisfy my family and my girlfriend. I believed that all my actions and choices were based on fulfilling my ambitions. Yet, I failed to realize that I was just a wanderer who was traipsing aimlessly in a lost land.
I deluded myself with lame subterfuges like "I could become stable when I get there, when I get these degrees, when I become blah blah" without considering or deliberately neglecting to be honest, about possible variations and threats along my path. The more I dove into those pathetic and delusional dreams, the better I realized how deceptive I was - to myself and to my beloved ones around me.
Deep down inside, I never wanted a simple and stable life but always yearned to sail in an uncharted sea full of wonders soaked with uncertainties. But I will never be ambitious enough to swim across these struggles and instead, just float and let the waves carry me.
My country is now in the turmoil of war, and I lied to myself that I was doing what I could by clicking and contributing to the revolution. Yet, I always knew that I could do better. I could have been braver by actually joining the front lines, but I never did.
I deceived myself that I was building myself to become a supportive pillar of the revolution, but hell no - I was just chasing my selfish dream of getting a master's degree, and I did not even try hard enough for that selfish dream. Now, I am in the middle of nowhere, lost in my own illusions, and wishing to have enough courage to end this pathetic and sinful existence, knowing that I will never be able to do that. How ironic is it, huh?
I keep looping the song "Sea of Sorrows (Thaw Ka Pin Lal)" written by Kyar Pauk:
"Where are you going to rest,
even the so-called Freedom accepted by this society is hung with a locked chain."
LWINT
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