Glass Ceilings

No, I am not going to talk about the glass ceilings in our society. I acknowledge their existence, but today is about how I noticed the glass ceilings of my mind.

We are familiar with motivational quotes like "the sky is the limit" and so on, right? Perhaps they are right, or perhaps not. But when it comes to our resistances, especially for patience, we sometimes assume ourselves as forbearing or easy-going until we bump into those "glass ceilings" of anger and frustration, hurting not just ourselves but our beloved ones as well.

It all started with the changes in our office. As an organization depending on donated funds, it was bound to accommodate the staffing, structures, and operations with the fluctuating funds. Yes, the time has come to say goodbye to some privileges such as promotions and scholarships, yet worse, our friends and colleagues. I hoped for a chance for further study supported by my company, but it vanished into thin air after the severe budget cut. Longing for a lost privilege while others are losing their jobs is kind of unsympathetic, I would say. Yet, that loss rang so many bells in my head. I neglected all the opportunities to move to higher positions just because of that stupid little hope to get a grant for further study, and now it was time to wake up.

So, I decided to start applying for other scholarship programs by other organizations. It was not that hard to find the scholarship programs as there are so many organizations supporting scholarship programs in our third-world country. But even before preparing my own application form, she suddenly came to my mind. Yeah, this could be our chance to explore the world together. Her mean relatives would not dare saying anything if she could get a scholarship and move to another country. The only obstacle to that dream was her experiences. She is not very fluent in English and unfamiliar with those programs. Needless to say, I did double the work for our dream of being together. I prepared both application forms and submitted them. The next step to get that scholarship was to take an online TOEFL test. As we just managed to submit the applications before the deadline, we only had 5 days to prepare for the TOEFL test.

I was worried much more about her score while concerning about mine. I tried to explore the internet for resources, free classes (here again, I regret not having an online account for payment, or else we could have joined better classes), lessons, etc. If I watched one, I sent one link to her so that she could catch up with me. We had a week to prepare for the test, and I thought we would make it. Of course, nothing is going to be that easy in this life. We both were occupied for whole days with our own jobs and already tired after 6 pm. She could not study efficiently as I was too tired to explain every little detail, and all I did was send her the links to the lessons and mock tests. We both were fated to fail that test for not being well-prepared. The lucky side for me was I had English-speaking friends who would give their honest opinions on my performance. I tried a mock test on the grammar session and scored 3 out of 10. I thought the test was too advanced and nagged my very busy friends to take that test. I trusted in him for two things: his level of understanding of English and his honesty that he would be frank with the level of the test and scores. He said he scored 7 out of 10 (actually, he confessed it was 9, damn you Jonny :P ), and it alarmed me about my insufficient study.

I put every bit of effort into studying after that day and also pushed her to do the same. But, one can never succeed in every aspect, right? While polishing my skills, I indeed failed to raise hers. Still, I was aware that she wasn't coming close to where I was, and I then finally decided to cheat on the test for her.

The deadline given to sit for the test was for 72 hours. We could take it any time we wanted if we could commit straight 2 hours without taking any breaks. So, I decided to take the test early in the morning where she will take it in late afternoon, abandoning the chance to score more, in order to share the questions with her. Yeah, it was like the movie called " Bad Genius" that I tried to take the test early to see the questions for her. But until the very morning of the exam day, she was still not aware of how to log into the website, and she hadn't even read the exam instructions. It was 1 hour away from my test, and I instructed her, "Just try the test named SAMPLE TEST to see if your device is okay to sit for an actual test," hurriedly while hiding my frustrating feelings for her not trying hard enough just to read an email, which could be a way for our future dream.

As you might be aware of these online English tests, the time given for the test was very strict. I only had 30 seconds to 1 minute for each question. 140 questions for 120 minutes were indeed harsh. Be that as it may, I tried my utmost best to answer the questions and copy all the questions and answers into another file. I copied every question line by line after providing the answer, and I spent the listening test time to copy the rest while the audio was playing. I was thinking of answers, and listening to the questions, while copying every detail into a Word file. I scored 90% at the end, but I left aside my happiness and reviewed every answer to make her score better.

I called her with joy, "Hey baby, how are you?" "I'm alright. I did log into the website and now taking the sample test. It says 45 minutes left. Would you wait?" she replied amusingly. I felt calm and hung up. But I suddenly remembered the worst possible misunderstanding. The sample test only lasts for 10 minutes, and if it was saying 45 minutes left, she might have been sitting for the ACTUAL test without being aware. I called her again and asked how she did on previous sessions. Yes, the worst nightmare was there. "The listening part lasted 25 minutes, but I did not try very hard and only scored 7 points out of 40," she said. I burst out into anger and yelled at her, "Can't you even distinguish between two words SAMPLE and DIAGNOSTIC TEST?"

She fought back bitterly, "I told you multiple times that I am not familiar with these online things." Then I suddenly realized that I was prioritizing my anger over her score. I felt like all my hard work and efforts were in vain, and I snapped. After a minute of heated argument, I told her to continue taking the test with her best effort and hung up. It was then that I saw that ugly and disgusting glass ceiling of mine. If all my efforts were for our future, why did I feel that anguish when she was about to fail the test? Was it for her or just for my own efforts? Clearly, it was due to my selfishness. So, I finally smashed that glass ceiling and called her back. I asked her to stop taking the test and to contact technical support stating that she clicked on the actual test without being aware of it, and requesting a redo. I prepared an email for her complaining about how the technical error happened and how she struggled to make it right. Now, that complaint is being considered by the company that provided the test.

I feel lucky to have gotten out of my selfishness and tried my best for her. Yes, now I can gladly say that I have broken a glass ceiling today.